The Gorilla Press: Presstacular 2009
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Tuesday, December 29, 2009
In our first annual Presstacular edition of The Gorilla Press, we take a look at the best and worst moments of 2009 as well as The Gorilla Clip of the Decade.
PRESSTACULAR, 2009
Male Wrestler of the Year: Randy Orton. 2009 saw Randy Orton solidify his top spot in The WWE Pecking order as he effortlessly rose to the apex of the company and stayed there for much of the year. Orton began the year with an intense, personal feud with The McMahon family (a spot that fine-tuned for only the top guys) and somehow managed to come out as one of the nastiest heels the WWE had seen in years.
Orton began the year with a victory at The Royal Rumble, then went on to compete in WWE Championship matches for 8 straight pay-per-views. Orton’s main-event status has since cultivated the progression of The Legacy (Rhodes, and DiBiase) as well as an impressive feud with Kofi Kingston. Orton’s dark, sinister, character, although bland on paper, worked to perfection throughout the entire year as he seemed to find new and original ways to achieve villain status. In an era where a watered down WWE product features characters who are less edgy than in years past, Randy Orton has been a breath of fresh air in 2009.
Heel of the Year: CM Punk. With one of The WWE’s main criticisms being its tendency to insist that things be done ‘their way’ even if it means destroying everything that made a worker successful in previous pro wrestling stints, CM Punk’s Straight Edge Heel Gimmick was one of the few unique gimmicks that made him one of a kind on the uber-competitive independent circuit and has made him the one of the best heels in the business.
As his anti-drug abuse statements lead him to a fitting feud to Jeff Hardy, in what would be Hardy’s last feud with the WWE to this point, CM Punk transcended his character into the main event picture as he seamlessly transitioned from a somewhat bland babyface to a superior heel.
Babyface of the Year: John Cena. John Cena’s borderline tedious messages of never giving up and ‘Hustle, Loyalty and Respect’ have understandably irked many. However, one cannot deny the effectiveness of John Cena as a babyface, especially from a commercial standpoint as his merchandise was one of the top sellers of the year on WWE Shopzone.
Cena has oftentimes been described as ‘polarizing’ due to his ubiquity as a babyface causing some to grow tired of what they feel is an overexposed, watered down version of Hulk Hogan. But Cena’s now six-year run as a babyface can also be viewed as a testament to his ability to play the role of the consummate white knight. Cena’s super stardom within the WWE has not translated into mainstream success as was the case of pro wrestlers who were considered pop culture icons (The Rock, Hulk Hogan) of the previous two decades. However one can never deny the work ethic, big match potential, and undying passion for the wrestling business that have organically contributed to John Cena’s rise to the top of the food chain.
Match of The Year: Wrestlemania XXV, Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. There should be no doubt in anybody’s mind about this one. With all due respect to independent wrestling and anything overseas, the star-power, buildup, and eventual payoff of this match captured the essence of what professional wrestling needs to be.
Going into this match, a Shawn/Taker feud widely considered one of the few ‘hot’ programs of what turned out to be a flat Wrestlemania 25, many believed this match should have closed the show. After witnessing this classic, and then the ensuing dropoff for the rest of the ‘Mania card, that sentiment was strongly justified.
Over ten years after what seemed to be a career-ending back injury for Shawn Michaels, and more than ten years since the last time these two locked horns in another classic program that lasted for three epic matches, Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker showed the entire wrestling world why they are still at the top of their game.
Feud of the Year: Randy Orton vs. The McMahons. In an angle that saw Randy Orton kick Vince McMahon in the head, make out with Stephanie McMahon in front of her husband Triple H, (unfortunately) work a series of matches with Shane McMahon and then go on to place defaming ads in the the paper about Linda McMahon in hopes of sabotaging her current political campaign (okay, I made that last one up), Randy Orton vs. The McMahon’s was an well done feud that actually outdid the ensuing in ring action in which it spawned. The feud eventually lead to the most meaningful championship reign of Orton’s career as Randy Orton successfully terrorized the first family of pro wrestling and made himself an even bigger star.
Female Wrestler of the Year: Beth Phoenix Most Improved: Kofi Kingston Pay-Per-View of the Year: TNA Turning Point Rookie of the Year: Sheamus The Dwayne Johnson Award for Excellence on The Mic: The Miz
GORILLA FARTS
The following ‘awards’, entitled Gorilla Farts, were given to the moments and performers that we’d rather forget. But couldn’t.
Worst Wrestler: Lacey Von Erich. Nobody is exempt from this ‘distinct honor’, male or female, and with her stiff clotheslines, sloppy bumps, and chokeslams that would make The Undertaker turn over in his grave (he’s dead, remember?) Lacy Von Erich’s soon-to-be canceled run with TNA served as a shining example that the apple doesn’t always fall from the tree. It just falls, forgets to sell, and then pisses of Awesome Kong backstage.
Worst Stable of the Year: The Re-re-re-re-re…re-reincarnation of Degeneration X. The 44th reincarnation of pro wrestling’s original bromance (I say that because Bret Hart used to call them gay) may have, at the least, tarnished the legacies of perhaps the greatest in ring performer of all time and Triple H. Degeneration X has been one of many abominable personifications of a new family friendly product designed to boost revenue for The WWE as well as facilitate former WWE CEO Linda McMahon in her ongoing senate race.
The once edgy-and raunchy duo are now only edgy to five to ten-year olds who find humor in gay jokes, and Degeneration X has devolved from upstart rebels on the rise to self-indulgent, segment-eating bullies who end up swallowing every program they put their little green fingers on.
Worst Match of the Year: Sharmelle vs. Jenna Morasca, TNA Victory Road. This match that made a submission match between The Great Khali and Vladimir Koslov seem watchable. Victory Road’s wrestling match (if you even want to call it that) between Booker T’s Wife and that mildly attractive chick who you may or may not remember from Survivor, fully equipped with a baffling striptease and Sharmelle deciding to work the entire match in her evening gown, was one of those matchups that couldn’t have even looked good on paper let alone in the ring.
Worst Angle of the Year: The RAW Guest Host. Don’t believe us? Watch.
(@1:30)
GORILLA CLIP OF THE DECADE
In The Gorilla Clip of the Decade, Vince McMahon purchases WCW in a move that changed sports and entertainment forevor. WWE’s second golden age was a product of its intense competition with WCW during the famed ‘Monday Night Wars’. The stout competition forced the WWE to push new stars, come up with A+ angles on a week-to-week baseis, and pushed WWE into being the best it has ever been. Vince’s historical and publicized purchase of WCW lead to the evident ‘peaking’ of the attitude era, and The WWE was never quite the same (I mean that in a bad way) as it owned a virtual monopoply over the entire Pro Wrestling Industry.
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