The Gorilla Press: Royal Rumble Preview
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Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Gorilla Press acknowledges the passing of longtime wrestling fan/promoter Georgiann Makropolous at 68 years of age. This issue of The Gorilla Press is dedicated to her memory.
THE SHEET
Jericho/Helms arrested for public intoxication [TMZ.com]
Record ratings for iMPACT! [PW Spoilers]
Santino, Helms scratched from Royal Rumble Match [WWE.com]
Bischoff/Hogan deliver ‘State of TNA Address’ [The Wrestling Daily]
TNA Not officially confirmed for Monday nights [PW Torch]
TNA Wrestler Bobby Lashley makes Strikeforce Debut [MMA Torch]
GORILLA CLIP OF THE WEEK (REVISITED)
This Gorilla clip was featured on the very first issue of The Gorilla Press and is one of our all time favorites. In the spirit of The Royal Rumble, we have decided to air it once again as our Gorilla Clip of the Week.
Here’s a video that seems to get funnier every time we watch it, especially if you know the story behind it. In 2005, Batista was slated to win The Royal Rumble by eliminating John Cena. The spot was supposed to be Cena, in an attempt to counter The Batista Bomb, goes over the top ropes leaving Batista as the last man standing.
Instead, Batista was inadvertently eliminated along with Cena as both men went over the top rope. This was obviously not how the finish to The 2005 Royal Rumble had been planned.
The great part about this video is neither man missed a beat. Although they had just botched the finish to the match, both men paraded around the ring acting as if they had won. The referees got in on the act too as one set of refs declared Cena the winner, while the other set of refs declared Batista the winner (all improved).
Furious with the situation, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon stormed down to the ring intending to restore order, however as he slid into the ring he blew out both quads and aggravated the injury after collapsing as he tried to walk it off.
With referees, John Cena, Batista, and McMahon all in the ring at the same time The 2005 Royal Rumble was on the brink of a comical disaster. However the match was restarted and only those close to the wrestling business (the internet community) really knew that the finish was botched. This one is a classic, put down the milk before viewing.
FROM RAW
DX gets serious. It’s that time of the year where Wrestlemania hangs in the balance and DX decides that they do care about heavyweight championship gold after all. Michaels’ classic match with The Undertaker last year was the last time we got to see ‘serious Shawn Michaels’ in 2009. Ironically enough, the next time we will see the non-sidekick Shawn Michaels will likely be for an upcoming program with The Undertaker one year after they saved Wrestlemania 25.
HHH is pushing four consecutive years as a babyface (which has to be a record for him in The Fed), but the inevitable DX split should still do him and the company some good especially if the plan is for HHH to perform his 34th job at a Wrestlemania.
MVP and Miz both lose steam. Why? For a program that is far and away one of the hottest undercard feuds for a secondary championship in recent memory, it was awfully strange seeing how The WWE decided to book Miz and MVP this week. MVP and Miz have had great promos against each other, which is the essential building block of any good feud, yet they both lost this past week with MVP getting squashed by The Big Show and Miz losing a competitive contest to Kofi Kingston. Sure, guys like Kofi and show could use impressive performances going into The Royal Rumble, but couldn’t they find somebody more deserving of doing the job? Maybe The WWE does need to bring back jobbers.
John Cena joins in on the Bret Hart Build. It’s good to see The WWE take their time building up the Vince/Bret angle. I have been of the opinion that Bret should be on television only twice per month in each month leading up to Wrestlemania. This would maintain the novelty and special attraction feel of Bret The Hitman Hart which would create more interest in whatever it is he ends up doing at Wrestlemania. Cena, who has always been exceptional on the mic, had a great segment with McMahon and did a great job of making his presence felt despite the fact that he was a pre-pubescent teen at the time of The Montreal Screwjob.
Oh, that’s right, Sheamus is Champion. The overlying concern of Sheamus’ sudden Championship victory at TLC was that he would be ‘shoved down our throats’. This is obviously not the case as Sheamus has been sprinkled in and out of RAW since winning The WWE Championship from John Cena. Sheamus wasn’t even spoken of until halfway through the show when McMahon looked to punish Cena for making him look bad in front of his commodities. When John Cena was champion, here’s what a rough draft of a typical RAW script would look like:
- Cena opens the show with promo.
- Challenger doesn’t buy what Cena’s selling and contests promo. Match is set up.
- Cena cuts promo before the big match.
- Announcers make sure to remind us not to go anywhere as The Consumate Workhorse will be in one-on-one action tonight.
- Cena participates in Main event.
Now that Sheamus is champion, the rapsheet is virtually the same except…
- Sheamus in one-on-one action.
FROM iMPACT!
TNA repackages The TCS. Although The 8 Card Stud tournament is a rehashing of the confounding TCS tournament we saw just a month ago, it is a much simpler concept that will stretch over the course of a few weeks, thus giving you, the consumer, time to digest how the championship picture unfolds in Kingdom Hulk. Assuming there are no plans in place for a second wrestling show for TNA (which there very well may be) TNA finds themselves in a dilemma with all the new talent that has been signed. A good way to manage all the new names that have hit the scene in TNA is to construct a 16-man tournament so that there is a good explanation when guys are in and out of television (i.e. Don’t worry, Pope fans, The Pope will be in tournament action next week!).
If TNA were saavy, they could simulate the ‘territory’ days and shrewdly cycle guys in and out of the title pictures and storylines thus creating more fresh matchups for a longer period of time. However a(nother) #1 contender tournament is a good way to find use for all that talent.
So THAT’S Who’s running this show! TNA looks to be on their way of sovling the age-old question of who, exactly, is in control. While there still may be a backstage power struggle, the balance of power is slowly beginning to take form on TV as Jarrett swallowed his pride (and theme music) to go back to being a worker and Foley seems to be ready to play ball as Bischoff threatened him with the careers of Abyss and Jeremy Borash. Now Hogan and Bischoff need to get on the same page as to whether or not whey will be faace or heel. This good cop/bad cop thing (like Vickie and Teddy on Smackdown!) just doesn’t work well in pro wrestling.
FROM SMACKDOWN!
At least HHH didn’t bury CM Punk…in the ring. HHH’s go-to line as a babyface seems to be ‘nobody cares what you’re talking about’, and he always seems to be saying it to guys who’s promos are more colorful, entertaining, and fun to watch than any of his have ever been. Hunter’s go-to line struck again, this time with CM Punk being the casualty, and with Teddy Long abruptly canceling the tag-team match between DX and The Straight Edge Society (that could have served as the official DX split before The Rumble) I’m sure there were many CM Punk fans who had a bad feeling about where this was going.
However HHH received a schmoz, disqualification victory over CM Punk and Punk, along with the assistance of GI Jane, actually looked to have gotten the better of DX. Good for him.
SheX. Michelle McCool and Layla are officially entertaining. Many will complain about the fact that McCool is only women’s champion because she’s dating The Deadman, but her work with Layla has been fun to watch in many spots as they continue to take aim at Mickie James’ weight in true heel fashion. Layla dancing (with precise rhythm) in a fat suit this past week on Smackdwown! was a hit with us, and dare I say these two girls are like a female version of DX…the good DX. I am very interested to see what happens between McCool and Mickie now, meaning all parties involved have done a great job building a realistic feud that people actually care about.
TIP THE HOST
Each week, we will give the RAW guest host a tip (from $1-$10) based on their performance.
Dule’ Hill did a fine job as RAW guest host. He is a very good performer with just the right amount of charisma to be relevant to wrestling fans. Hill was used in select spots, which is really how all guest hosts should be utilized especially if they are from the non-wrestling world, and he did a good job in all of them. The highlight was seeing him take that slap from Alicia Fox. Daymn! We leave Dule’ Hill a $7.10 tip.
THE SHOOT
The Gorilla Press Royal Rumble Simulator
With The Royal Rumble just hours away, we shoot off with a Royal Rumble Simulator. 25 of the thirty participants have officially been announced, so now it’s time for us to weigh in with our prognostication of how The Royal Rumble will play out.
Royal Rumble Participants provided by PWTorch.com
RAW
John Cena (Elminated by Shawn Michaels)
Triple H (Eliminated by Shawn Michaels)
Shawn Michaels (Royal Rumble Winner)
Ted DiBiase (Eliminated by Cody Rhodes)
Cody Rhodes (Eliminated by Kofi Kingston)
MVP (Eliminated by The Miz)
Chris Masters (Eliminated By The Miz)
The Miz (Eliminated by John Cena)
Kofi Kingston (Eliminated by The Miz)
Mark Henry (Eliminated by Batista)
Jack Swagger (Eliminated by Shawn Michaels)
Big Show (Eliminated by DX)
Evan Bourne (Eliminated by Batista)
Carlito (Eliminated by John Cena)
SMACKDOWN!
John Morrison (Eliminated by Batista)
Batista (Eliminated by John Cena)
Chris Jericho (Eliminated by Edge)
Matt Hardy (Eliminated by Batista)
C.M. Punk (Eliminated by HHH)
Great Khali (Eliminated by a handful of Superstars)
Kane (Eliminated by Batista)
R-Truth (Eliminated by Chris Jericho)
ECW
Shelton Benjamin (Eliminated by Batista)
Yoshi Tatsu (Eliminated by Batista)
William Regal (Eliminated by Yoshi Tatsu)
Zack Ryder (Eliminated by HHH)
MISC/UNCONFIRMED
Drew McIntyre (Eliminated by John Morrison)
Booker T (Eliminated by Chris Jericho)
Gillberg (Eliminated by Batista)
Edge (Eliminates himself)
Chavo Guerrero (Eliminated by HHH)
Royal Rumble Match Predictions
Longest stay in the Royal Rumble: John Cena, who enters #1.
Shortest stay in the Royal Rumble: The Great Khali, who is eliminated by multiple superstars.
Most eliminations: Batista.
Royal Rumble Winner: Shawn Michaels.
FINISHERS
We leave you with our predictions for The singles matches at The Royal Rumble.
Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson (ECW Championship)
Why you care: ECW has done a good job of building up Ezekiel Jackson as the next capable monster heel in the WWE. He takes a whole lot of momentum into this match and very well may be a superstar to watch in 2010 given Vince’s propensity to push freakishly muscular talent.
Possible outside interference from: William Regal.
Projected Winner: Christian by pinfall (rollup).
Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James (Women’s Championship)
Why you care: This could quite possibly be the feud of the year thus far in the WWE as Michelle McCool and Mickie James have been poking fun at Mickie James’ weight for months now by calling her Piggy James. This match may likely be the blowoff, but we are holding out hope that this feud stretches until Wrestlemania.
Possible outside interference from: Lalya, Maria.
Projected Winner: Mickie James by pinfall.
Sheamus vs. Randy Orton (WWE Championship)
Why you care: If in fact you do care, could quite possibly signify the end of The Legacy.
Possible (botched) outside interference from: Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase.
Projected Winner: Sheamus by pinfall.
The Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. (WWE Championship)
Why you care: Because after this, we (probably) get to see a feud between Shawn and Taker!
Possible outside interference from: Batista.
Projected Winner: Undertaker by pinfall.
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Tags: Gillberg hits the ring...and then the floor, Gorilla Press Pro Wrestling Blog, Royal Rumble, Royal Rumble Simulator
