The Gorilla Press: TNA Presents Free-Per-Views on Monday Nights, WWE Extreme Rules Preview, and I Said SHUT UP Swagger Fan!

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Wrestling News | 1 Comment

Sunday, April 25, 2010

THE SHEET

GORILLA CLIP OF THE WEEK

Remember when the WWE took ECW seriously in the form of the first two One Night Stand pay per views?  Here is a classic ECW-style shoot promo from, possible future TNA employee, Paul Heyman as he tears down the WWE roster at ECW’s inaugural One Night Stand pay per view.

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SHOWSTOPPER

RAW

Is Jack Swagger gonna die III? Didn’t we address this just a few weeks back?  Jack Swagger’s recent loss on RAW to the Undertaker caused more unrest among Jack Swagger apologist nation.  It has become quite apparent what the WWE is doing with Swagger.  Swagger is being marketed as an undeserving champion who, to the naked eye, has no chance against super babyface Randy Orton.  Going in to The Extreme Rules pay per view, many will doubt Swagger’s chances of retaining.  When push comes to shove, and the title is on the line in a big spot, Jack Swagger will pull off an improbable win over Randy Orton to continue his heel run as champion.

MacFAIL. The WWE tried to give the people their money’s worth with half the RAW roster stuck in Europe, yet this show quickly fell apart.  With the exception of the R-Truth explosion, The MacGruber sketches were painful to watch, just as they are on Saturday Night Live.

Big Nasty’s WWE NXT Ratings

1. Wade Barrett- It appears as if Barrett has become the organic top rookie that the clumsily booked Daniel Bryan was supposed to be.  Barrett is currently the only rookie on the entire roster who appears to be a legit superstar at this point.  We wouldn’t be surprised to see plans change as Wade Barrett goes after John Cena’s WWE Championship when NXT is all said and done.  No, seriously.
2. Heath Slater- Heath Slater’s huge win over Chris Jericho elevated him as one of the clear-cut favorites to win the WWE NXTcompetition.  Slater has now gained a win over Pro Carlito, he hung with Kane, and now has a victory over former World Champion Chris Jericho to boot.

3. Darren Young- We said it to begin with, whenever a ranking system is rigged, #8 might as well be #1 as the powers that be realize the attention that will come with such an unenviable position.  Young has exploded on to the scene since being deemed the 8th best Rookie (out of eight) on WWE NXT.  His budding feud with Luke Gallows is doing wonders for Gallows’ career after S.E.S. as well. Darren Young just looks like a superstar.  As he continues to learn the ropes, this character has the potential to be a big deal in the WWE.

4. Daniel Bryan- Daniel Bryan was not featured much on this week’s NXT, nor was he featured last week.  The only thing keeping him on the good side of the top five with our rankings is that we don’t feel any other rookies outside of Barrett, Slater, and Young have been booked as if they were legitimate superstars.  Bryan is running out of time for his losing streak to build enough heat for a payoff.  It’s starting to look more and more like the WWE dropping the ball with another incredible talent (Shelton Benjamin).

5. Michael Tarver- That’s right.  The WWE obviously doesn’t give a shit about Michael Tarver, yet he is making the most of a bad opportunity.  Tarver is one of the better talkers on WWE NXT and he actually gets heat despite being paired with Carlito (who gets about as much heat as a meat locker these days).  Tarver constantly dogging the challenges comes off quite humorously on television, as opposed to making him look like the loser the WWE wants you to think he is.
6. Justin Gabriel- Gabriel showed us he has more than one high spot this past week on WWE NXT with a brilliant somersault flip to the outside.  However, there still seems to be something missing from his packaging.
7. David Otunga- Otunga takes a hit this week after yet another green performance in the ring and an uninspired tease for a feud with R-Truth.

8. Skip Sheffied- While Michael Tarver comes off as humorous despite his sabotage, Skip Sheffield just comes off as annoying.

IMPACT

TNA Impact:  Only on Free-Per-View! TNA sure loves those fans at the Impact Zone.  Either that or they value television ratings over the box office and growth.  While this past week’s edition of Impact was one of the best broadcasts in TNA history, highlighted by RVD’s improbable World Title victory, TNA burned through about $100,000 in pay preview revenue to get there.

By booking RVD/Hardy and Styles/RVD on the same show, the obvious question is:  What’s next?

Relevance is proud to welcome back Samoa Joe. At the risk of sounding like a homo, I must admit that it sure was nice seeing Samoa Joe in those throwback tights this past week.  Whether the inept booking staff (Vince Russo) of TNA wants to admit it or not, Samoa Joe, like many wrestlers on the TNA Roster, comes with a built-in booking package that need not be tempered with.

We don’t need to see a robe on A.J. Styles.  We don’t need to see Sting choking Dixie Carter.  We don’t need to see Ric Flair as a heel in 2010.  And we definitely don’t need to see Samoa Joe shoot his own rendition of The Blair Witch project.  Joe is a destroyer.  He’s big, he’s athletic, he’s Samoan, and he’s dangerous.  Straight, simple, to the point, and over.

Why I hate Rob Terry, Reason #1. Rob Terry really is a man.  He can’t clean house worth shit.  But seriously, folks, watching Terry clear out the ring this past week on Impact was nothing short of an abomination.  For those of you who missed it, it went a little something like this:

• Ugly forearm
• Ugly clothesline
• Botched gorilla press slam
• Botched big boot 
• Pose (somehow with a straight face)

Rob Terry is not Bill Goldberg.  He’s not even the Ultimate Warrior.  He’s just a bunch of muscles with no X Factor that a company, who has no idea how to create a star, is somehow enamored by.  I’d consider taking his push away if he doesn’t improve by the next pay per view, because it’s quickly getting to the point of diminishing marginal returns.

SMACKDOWN

Is Jack Swagger Gonna Die, IV? As much as I mock Jack Swagger apologist, I must admit that watching him lose clean to a midcarder like John Morrison made me swallow a bit harder than usual.  You’re still down with Jack Swagger as your champion, right WWE?  You’re still doing the whole ‘undeserving champion’ who finds a way to win thing, right WWE?  Jack Swagger is going to beat Randy Orton at Extreme Rules against all odds, right WWE?  Jack Swagger apologists are still overreacting, right WWE?  Right.  Okay good, just wanted to clear that up.  You’re sure?  Okay, good.

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TIP THE HOST

Look no further than my one word description of every MacGruber segment from this past week’s episode of RAW is Smackdown!  MacFAIL!  $4.50 tip.

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THE SHOOT

It’s draft season, and this week in the shoot, we will do our best to put together a logical and fluid WWE Mock Draft.

WWE SMACKDOWN!

Randy Orton to Smackdown! All this will mean is that your Wrestlemania 27 main event will feature John Cena vs. Randy Orton with John Cena as a heel.

MVP to Smackdown! The WWE’s equivalent to a rescue mission.

Kofi Kingston to Smackdown! The WWE seems to slowly be picking up the pieces to Kofi Kingston’s career putting them back together.  A change of scenery to Smackdown! and a feud with Sheamus would only help the cause.  Which leads us to our next draftee.

Sheamus to Smackdown! The Celtic Warrior has received an impressive introduction to the WWE after a strong run on RAW.  He now can take his heat to Smackdown! where Michael Hayes can hone his star power like only he can.  I mean, after HHH, hasn’t Sheamus feuded with like everybody on RAW to this point?

Christian to Smackdown! If Christian remains on RAW, he may want to consider jumping in that ’90 Day no-compete’ boat that the WWE has recently loaded up.

Maryse to Smackdown! The WWE usually takes the Draft as an opportunity to switch up the two Womens Championship divisions.  However this time, I think Maryse will be the key diva to go to Smackdown! as Michelle McCool on RAW would not sit well with Taker over on Smackdown!

Eve Torres to Smackdown! Where she’ll have the much needed luxury of piped-in heat.

RAW

Edge to RAW. With Randy Orton seemingly set to become the face of Smackdown! the WWE will be best served switching Edge over to RAW to get more mileage out of him.  An Edge/Cena feud is always fun, even if we have seen it time and time again.

Drew McIntyre to RAW. Translation?  Sink or Swim.

R-Truth to RAW. RAW is going to need a fresh batch of jobbers for Batista to beat up.  Sad, but true.

JTG to RAW. See: R-Truth.

Kane to RAW. They’re going to make this seem like it’s a big deal, but it’s really not.

Beth Phoenix to RAW. The Glamazon/McCool match was likely added to Extreme Rules for Phoenix to take the title off of McCool on her way to RAW.

HERE’S WHAT I’M PROBABLY WRONG ABOUT…

To take a page from our ‘Crapshoot’ Athletic Dept, which has become a staple of Big-nasty.com,  I will take this opportunity to wax poetic about what I’m probably wrong about as it pertains to the WWE Draft.

I’M PROBABLY WRONG, but CM Punk will not go to RAW. Smackdown’s tagline may as well be ‘leaving well enough alone on Friday Nights!’  This is the case with CM Punk.  Many are clamoring for Punk to jump to RAW to get that real heel push he deserves.  However they all have a short term memory.  Remember what happened the last few times CM Punk showed his preachy mug on RAW?  Jobbed to Cena, squashed by Cena, mocked by HHH, jobbed to HHH.

CM Punk on Smackdown! is like the King Goth, who is cool amongst his peers who hang out next to the portable classroom, however when he goes to the Spring Ball (RAW) he gets stuffed in the trash can by the jocks.

The following is a public service announcement by The Big Nasty Athletic Dept:  Leave well enough alone, keep CM Punk on Smackdown!

I’M PROBABLY WRONG, but The Undertaker will stay on Smackdown! Taker needs time to heel, and the pressures of being on the WWE’s flagship will not do him any favors.  It’s also worth noting that Michelle McCool’s standing will play a major role as to where Taker goes as it is widely known that the two spend a lot of time in the tombstone position.  Oh!

EXTREME RULES PREVIEW

Shad Gaspar over JTG. I’m seeing something in Shad Gaspar.  Expect a fresh pair of tights on Shad Gaspar as the WWE considers a serious push.  

Beth Phoenix over Michelle McCool. Staying true to our mock draft, we like Phoenix to go over McCool and take the Women’s Championship with her to RAW.

CM Punk over Rey Mysterio. CM Punk wins this round, setting up a Hair vs. Mask feud…ON SMACKDOWN!

Sheamus over Triple H. If Sheamus is going to Smackdown! like we think he is, all signs point to him doing the job in one of his final matches as a member of RAW.  But it would only make sense for Sheamus to go over after losing at Wrestlemania, right?

Edge over Chris Jericho. Edge needs a big win so he can have momentum going into the draft.

Jack Swagger over Randy Orton. I’ll be looking for the “If Orton Wins, WE RIOT” sign from Swagger apologist.

Cena over Batista. Can we stop playing hot potato with these belts even if it’s just for a little bit?

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FINISHERS

We leave you with the Monday Night SpreadSHREDDER!

WWE RAW(-2.5) over TNA iMPACT! TNA iMPACT! Threw yet another Kitchen Sink at RAW last week. TNA shrewdly capitalized on what they knew was going to be a makeshift version of the WWE’s flagship given RAW’s travel problems, yet they drew a 1.0 rating.  RAW will be running head to head with TNA iMPACT with a big time three hour version of RAW.  All hands will be on deck for the WWE Draft, and the WWE will be looking to get back on the beam in terms of ratings during Wrestlemania hangover season.  RAW 3.41, Impact .80

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